Today is Another Day

Another blog?! Two in one day?! I need a creative outlet far greater than my pen can provide me. Let's face it - it's tacky to whip out your journal while working. This is a far more portable way for me to put my life out there in words.

Life is good. What can I say? But I need somewhere to explain my ups and my downs. I need a place to put my struggles into words, as it makes it so much more clear to me. My job, when I'm in PACU is amazing. I work with amazing people there, and I seriously consider them a big part of my support system. However, I don't find that job very fulfilling. I feel like it does not use my skills. Like everything I've worked so hard for is wasted. I think that's how it is with unit clerking. I am better than what I do. Not saying anything bad to unit clerks, we get enough of that as it is. But, I have skills that far exceed those needed to answer phones. I wish I could have a do-over of my life. It's become too late for me to go out and find work that will make me feel complete. I wish I would have gone and done something creative like interior decorating or journalism. Not broadcast journalism. I don't want to make my living talking, but I could certainly make my living sitting out in the sunshine with a coffee and my laptop pouring my heart into words. I didn't think I was a creative person until I got a job that was not creative at all. It's like I have something inside my that is begging to get out. A love for expression. Sometimes I wonder if it might be worth my time to take a step back and figure out what I LOVE and go for it. I wonder if I wouldn't be happier working in a job that felt like I was getting something out of it too.

Some mornings when I wake up to go to work I feel as though I will just deflate if I have to spend yet another day doing something I don't love. I can't picture myself working for the next forty or fifty years doing something that gives me no enjoyment; that makes me feel as though I am wasting my time being there. I seriously feel like I will go absolutely insane waking up every morning to do what I do. I feel that way about a lot of jobs too. I can't imagine waking up as a nurse, an administrator, an accountant and feeling the love I would feel if I was creating. If I was making something beautiful out of nothing. I believe that words can be beautiful. I see writing as art. You need to capture your reader and make them feel. You HAVE to make them feel. Even if they cannot identify with what you are telling them, you need to make them believe that it's them you are talking about. You need to fill them with joy and happiness or you need to penetrate their heart and tear it out, just like you feel. You need to use the right words too. It's important to use some big words to show you're reader that you mean business, but you have to be friendly enough to make your reader feel like they are having a conversation with you over coffee. And most importantly, you have to pour your heart and soul into it. The happiness and the pain are what make people identify with you.

How amazing would it be to be a coulumnist in a women's magazine? To show them that you are just like them. That they can find their love and go for it? I feel like with all the pressure to be thin and beautiful women need a reminder that their dreams are bigger than that too. I'm not saying I don't stress about my weight. That I don't want my hair shinier or to be blonde instead of brunette. I'm not saying I don't obsess about fashion and make up. But there is more inside of me than that. I am not just obsessed with being beautiful. I am obsessed with it. I will admit that. I am always striving to lose weight or to have more radiant skin. However, I think even if I achieved external perfection I would not fill the void in my soul. I think it would fill that empty space only partially. Don't think I am saying being thin and beautiful would do nothing for me. It would. However, if I achieved my definition of beauty perfection and was still a unit clerk I would still have a void.

So much time is spent at work I think you need to do what is perfect for you. What is perfect for me? When should I give up the dream? Or are you never too old to go and find what you love doing? Who knows. I don't think you are ever too old to go to school and go for your dream. But financially? I think I am too old. Who knows though. I will think about it some more and try to figure out what creative outlet will make me happy and successful. I think success is based largely on your enjoyment. I think you're a lot more likely to work hard, long hours, whatever it takes if you live and breathe what you do. Granted, there are more important things in the world than work. Family. Friends. But, you spend more time at work than with anyone else and, quite frankly, if you need to put all of your energy into that for a few years, the pay off is worth it. If you are going to do something for the better part of your life you may as well think it's amazing. You may as well feel like you couldn't live without it, and right now, I can live without my job. Easily. If I won a million dollars I would quit in a second...

With that, it's time to go and get ready for another week of empty working.