Like Sands Through the Hourglass, So are the Days of Our Lives

As twenty-five approaches me far more rapidly than I would like it to I can't help but reflect on the person I have become and the person that I used to be. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I was a terrible, selfish person at twenty, But I had everything I could have wanted. Maybe there is something to the whole selfish thing.

I can't believe how I used to treat people though. Family, friends, strangers trying to give me their heart... I had none of it. I didn't care who you were or how you felt about me I was going to get what I wanted from you and then stab you in the back when I was finished. I think the only person in that entire chunk of time that I didn't do that to was J. I burned a lot of bridges that year and although I have some of those people in my life still today, it really never is quite the same.

I was so irresponsible. I spent all of my money on beer and cigarettes, no wonder I was so skinny. But that being said, I think I've managed to do a complete 360 and now I am TOO responsible and TOO nice for my own good. People walk on me now. Yes, I had many bad qualities, but I stood up for myself. I didn't take shit from anyone. I was a strong, single woman. That was empowering.

I need to find a happy medium between 2006 S. and 2010 S. I need to find the strength, independance and happiness from days passed, but I need to hold on to the responsibility, loyalty and caring from today. I cannot go back to living my life like a bulldozer, just running people out of the way when they don't fit into the picture of my life. But, I can't just let whomever wants to walk all over me anymore.

I am content right now. I love A. and I love being with him. I have a few really great, close friends. I love them. I think, after writing all of this, I've realized it's the strength I miss. The power to control my own destiny and make it go wherever I would like it to. There's something to be said about empowerment. It gives you a great sense of calm to be able to say, "This is MY life and I will do with it what I want!"

So, with that, how do I get that strength back without becoming a man-eating bitch again?