Slow, Creeping Death of Happiness Insanity

Confused by the title? I know I am. But it's fitting for this post. This post that I do not want to write; do not want to share with the world. But, the crazy inside of me needs to be unleashed somewhere, so let it be here.

I mentioned in my last post that I have an addictive personality. I've been a smoker for ten years and, as much as I'd like to kick the habit, I can't seem to make myself. Although cancer terrifies me to no end my lack of social skills and writing skills without a cigarette between my fingers scares me more. However, I have other personality traits that scare me more.

For one, I am, without a single doubt in my mind, a major pill popping gong show. I'm not sure when it started and I know it has been an on and off ordeal. You would think after seeing my mom struggle with the same problem I wouldn't have ever taken anything harder than an Advil, but alas, I am not so smart. No, I'm not popping Percocets like I once was, but I pop anything with codeine. I found myself, late tonight, wondering if I would be able to run to the pharmacy and back without A finding out. Normally I would just call him and tell him I'm running out to get shampoo, but who NEEDS shampoo at midnight? So, instead I resorted to the next best thing - a fist full of Advil, and cold pills (both night and day because together they make for a really strange sensation). I will run to the pharmacy tomorrow.

Now, beyond that, as I described in my last post food is another horrible addiction for me. I'm dying to lose some weight and finally I let my old habits get the best of me. It scares me that starvation comes so naturally to me and I was able to fall into old habits quicker than I would like to admit. Note to all - most girls who carry a Power Bar in their purse have some kind of eating disorder. Last week I woke up and decided I need to be thin. So, I didn't eat breakfast... or lunch... and when dinner rolled around I ate something small and sensible. Yesterday I was working the late shift so I got home after A had already left for work. I didn't eat a single morsel yesterday and was actually proud of myself at 2pm today when I finally had to sneak off into the mall bathroom to take a nibble of my token Power Bar to avoid being flat out unconcious on my standing coffee date.

I know this is bad for me. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at my desk at work thinking of all the terrible things I was doing to my body. Human beings eat because we need to. Our body needs the calories to maintain itself. Don't think I don't know that. I was sitting there staring at our telemetry monitors wondering what I was doing to my heart that very minute. Wondering how low my heart rate will drop before this is all over. I know how terrible this is for me. I don't want to do it, but I can't stop. Every time I go to take a bite of food my brain just screams at me to put it down. It tells me I only need to do this for a couple of months so I can lose a few pounds and then I can quit. But I am smart enough to know that isn't how it will work. I will lose a few, and then a few more and I will be pleased as punch. And it will keep going, keep dipping and when my healthy weight goal is in sight, I will keep going. Then I will get to that goal, the exact place I want to be and I will keep going. Hell, I lost almost three pounds in twelve hours. It's motivating, what can I say?

I need to stop this, but it's like an addiction to succeed. I am a failure if I put more in my mouth than I need to stay concious. So, I keep on going...